My Life in Simple Words
My account as I journey through Life
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Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Wishing I Could

You look at me, but do you see me?
Am I an open book to you or a mystery?

Your friendship, so dear, has put cracks in the
Strongholds of loneliness that hold me captive.

But I know myself at depths you cannot see,
Things of darkness and shame rooted deep within.
A monster clinging to my soul, ready to devour,
Appeased only by the daily sacrifice of my soul.

I try to call for help, but fear seizes my voice,
Fear that you'd only rebuild the walls stronger.

But a quiet voice of hope wonders,
What you would do and say if you knew. . .
Would I find disgust in eyes now accepting,
Hate in a voice now playfully teasing?
The tension of distrust in a body now relaxed?
A brick wall where once I found a friend?

Or could you see past the shame,
To the wounded, sorrowful person inside?
Could you dare to believe with me,
That a Phoenix can rise out of my life's ashes?

Oh for the relief of acceptance, a gift beyond compare,
A key to free me from this prison of fear.
The balm of true friendship, willing to endure,
To strive as one toward a distant goal.

I hope, I fret, I ponder
The what ifs, the coulds and the woulds. . .
To open my mouth begins a new road,
But one to loneliness or hope I do not know.

This torrent of thoughts and doubts and dreams --
An imposter replacing action, offering false hope.
For I cannot know your heart, without which the risk is too great,
So I pound another nail of silence into the coffin of my soul.

You look at me, but do you see me?
You call me friend, but do you know me?

We have fun hangin' out,
But would you be there when it counted?

To answer your last line...that's what a friend is. Someone who is there when it counts as well as when it doesn't. It's easier to have a friend than to be one! I like the way you carefully and artfully bared your soul with this writing...hope vs. fear.
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