My Life in Simple Words
My account as I journey through Life
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Thursday, July 15, 2004

The end

The day has drawn to an end and all I can say is thanks to God for everything, even for those that made me angry, feel like running away, hate myself and feel so alone.

I think what matters is what I learned from such moments and wht I became from them.

There is so much going on about the graduation and am wondering whether the decision I made was I wise one. Today was the deadline for submitting the forms and the money. Davy wrote me mail a few minutes ago telling me that I still have to pay the money in order to get the transcripts and the diploma itself. Lydia too wrote telling me to consider my option and just go, since its a once in a lifetime event.

But when I look at it time has already passed, I still don't have the money, I haven't started school, I still have the balance to clear and some other stuff. This is just draining me off and I wonder whether its all worth it (I just wish I had an answer to some of these things even if not all..especially the school thing).

I was thinking about compassion, the moments which I feel I have wasted there and the way I feel they have dashed my hopes of finishing my education. I look at the empty promises they have been making me and I wonder whether there is room for me to trust them any more or even still have my hopes up. For I really don't think there is room for more disappointments in me anymore.

Am the process of trying to find order in my life but everytime I do that I end up feeling its all a routine thing and what am getting is just more pain.

I was hoping to graduate and everyone who supported me including God will be there to celebrate with me and see all that the Lord has done and there prayers too haven't gone to waste. But when I look back all I can do is just keep quiet.

Mum couldn't believe it when I told her I wasn't going for the graduation, I wonder what the guys at compassion especially grace will do and say when I tell them that there will be no graduation for them too. I even didn't tell my sponsor about it.

Yesterday as I was going home I was telling God if He ever listens to me anymore to please deliver me out of this and direct me afresh, to just give me a sign on my next course of action.Whether its time for me to get out of here and to where and what is in store for me here. Its scary trying to live your life on instincts rather than faith (or is it what you are seeing).

I ought to be home now, but whenever I leave the office and go see what is happening out there and the way other pple's lives are moving on and what they are going through I end up just getting scared, wondering where mine is going to and is ended up for and so many more questions which make me want to cry.

Funny enough at times I feel there is no one to share deepest thought and fear with expect my blog. I have noted too that I don't pray (not those 'bless me amen' kind of prayers, which I seem to be doing ) or read the bible like I used too. Am laughing with pple making jokes with them and looking 'cool' but inside I know the torments that am going through.

If only there was a way out!

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