HAPPENINGS

Today is a holiday and its quite refreshing coming to work having the comps to your self, play music as loud as you want to, watch movies without fear of being caught by the MD and just move around as you feel like. Guess this is what they refer to as unlimited freedom at the work place.

But honestly I think all this is just one way of making myself feel better, considering that I feel so left out, bored, plotless and alone. The pple I thought would prove the means of fun today and yesterday, never bothered to call me or tell me anything; and info has it that they were out partying yesterday. If only you would have seen how excited I was on saturday for I knew I would have a plot come Sunday and Monday, something I don't usually get to do. But as always I ended up getting disappointed, let down and betrayed.

Sunday in itself was gloomy and wet, considering it had been raining since morning, had to go to church with an umbrella and wet after being rained on. Spent the whole day trying to keep myself warm since it was also cold and I had not taken care of that in terms of dressing. Blink was as usual, but I got to sit next to thesinger and miss.beautiful.

Its funny that I felt so indifferent and off being so near them yet feeling so far from them at the same time. Its like as if they are in another world, while am in a different one altogether. No wonder I feel so empty and void when I see them. Thesinger said something that made me realize that I was still doing the very same thing that took me out of DC in the First place. I didn't talk to eyecandy and thats the last thing I expect to see myself doing.

The past for days I have had to do without smartkid being around (I don't even care where they have been.......but I wonder whether this statement is really true), and this has shown me that I can do without them and my life even becomes less turbulent with them not being around. But the thought of seeing them tomorrow makes me wonder how I will respond to there presence and frequent visitations.

Over the years I have come to develop faces, office face, home face, and even church face. All this because of the simple fact that I don't want pple to really know who I am inside and the person I can become. And this has made me more lonely, angry and fearful within to the extent I no longer know who I am from all this pretence and acting.

I guess the frequent disappointments too have greatly contributed to this and the more I walk through this journey the more I meet with them and in turn I end up developing this crust around myself, which is becoming hard even for me to remove. And the thought that one day, it will prove to be a serious probelm just gives me the creeps.

Later on went to see my nephews and nieces (with the mud and threatening rain) and I can say to a certain extent I fely better seeing them; especially the younger one and knowing they are okay. Except for the fact that there mother tried to make me feel bad by the way she talked to me, it was an afternoon well spent.

Info has also reached me that grace is still having a hard time with her in-laws and this really really makes me feel so angry, mad, annoyed and wish I could go there and just wipe them clean, all of them. I can't imagine seeing her helpless, with the kids no one to fight or stand for her and having to go through this all by herself. This makes me wonder why life has to be so unfair and harsh to some pple.

On my way to work today, I met with themuscian plus his business associate who a few days ago had commented as to why I was so 'soft' spoken and distant from them. Well if you ask me that comment was off the mark since they don't know me in the first place and who gave them the right to judge me by the way I talk. Theartist too is still insisting that I go repari their machine but they don't want to buy the parts I tell them too, wonder where they expect me to get the parts they want.

Guess I better end this post here since its getting late, have to go home since I know youknowwho will be coming late today and I have to pass by the chemist to buy some medicine (have a nasty cold).

Ps: Thanks Nicholas.