My Life in Simple Words
My account as I journey through Life
My Life In Simple Words <$BlogRSDURL$>

Thursday, November 04, 2004


I think I have started a journey, to tell you the truth I am afraid as to where am going and the direction I seem to be taking towards that place.

<To add a twist to the story, I know I shouldn’t be going where am going but I can’t help myself and my emotions and desires are driving me over the wall, I seem to be losing the ability to control them and every time I think I have managed to get into the driver’s seat they comeback with a vengeance.

Every day feels like a struggle and this struggle is with none other but myself, I seem to grow tired and sad as the day passes and at times I ask God why I have to go through all this and I don’t see any growth or strength in me being revealed by all this test and trials as ‘they’ it should.

I know the last thing I need right now is to feel lousy about myself and to let go of this fight, for I know deep inside me, I don’t want to do the things I do, did and want to do, for I have come to understand that most times I do things I don’t want in order to find the love I want or the acceptance I have been yearning for.

To make matters stupid and foolish, the people am trying to please, seek their acceptance and feel loved by them are people, who feel shit (sorry for the word) about me and have nothing to offer me in return. And what hurt’s me most is the things I have done to try and at least get any of the things above.

Am so tired and weary of the lies, pretence and fears.

Love to me has been a different antidote at the same time, for I have been forced to hate in order to love. I have discovered the way I love is different from others and this makes me susceptible to hurt so many times and this over time has lead to my heart becoming bitter and resentful. I love so deeply that letting go becomes a burden to me, even when its all obvious to me that is the right and best thing to do.

very nice blog!
But if we do not love deeply we will regret not having tried. Love with everything because the pain that comes from it is sweetly sorrowful. It is like the tartness of wine. A hard bite but strangely warm.
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